Metallica - Ride the Lightning
Released July 27th, 1984
James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett, Cliff Burton, Lars Ulrich, Dave Mustaine (heheh)
Genre: Thrash metal
Pre-Intro
You all know that I have some albums that are my favourite of all time, and I do not like to review them unless there's a twist. Just for clarification to anyone still wondering- I find it boring to talk about my favourite albums of all time, because the entire time it's just going to be me saying the same shit "This song is great, it's the best ever, I fucking love this band, they are the best band, PERIOD". I just don't think it would be super interesting to talk about my favourite albums ever, UNLESS- there's a big twist. The last twist was AI generated American Idiot- this time is going to be WAY more unhealthy. I am going to get super drunk on Saturday night and review this album as I listen to it. I guarantee that I will cry, because this album kicks my fucking socks off. So yeah, this is being written during the planning phase on Thursday, the actual writing of the drunk review will be on Saturday. I can already guarantee there's going to be a lot of screaming and crying and just general annoyance. So yeah good luck, reader. Here you go: Drunk Sharky reviewing his favourite Metallica album of all time- Ride the Lightning.
Intro
Hi hi, here I am. I am drunk Sharky add that's what y'all way. Yeah great stuff. Hi you all know me or not- I don't give a fuck. Enjoy this album review. Spoilers this is the greatest album ever in the wiorld. Sorry. Yikes if you >14 or <30. Sad times but sorry.
Thoughts & Feelings?
Hi hi. Here I am. Woah same intro as the intro, that's crazy. Yeah Saturday it is, I'm drunk as hell, let's review one of my favourite albums EVER. This review will be super annoying so super sorry if you are annoyed. Let's go.
Smash or Pass?
Fight Fire With Fire - SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This fucking acoustic intro is god tier. Checkmate baby that's so good. The opening metal riff is the sickest fucking thing I've ever heard. This is a FUCKING FANTASTIC SONG. SUPER FUCKING UNDERRATED. What the FUCK THIS SHIT IS SO GOOD. JAMMY AS FUCK BABBYYYYYY. THIS WHOLE REVIEW IS GONNA BE IN CAPS. THIS SONG IS SO SICK. SUPER UNDERRATED, PERFECT SONG TO OPEN. Mwah. It's crazy to me how they catch the beat again during the break. This song is fucking amazing. Don't write it off cause this song kicks ass. YES BABY LET'S GO.
Ride The Lightning - Sorry if the last smash or pass was annoying because AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. This song is... indescribable. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck holy fuck. MWAH. Like what do I say, if I were to describe a perfect song I'd describe Master of Puppets but holy fuck this a god damn contender. Let's GO this song is amazing. Smash as fuck, the solo is AWESOME AS HELL so yeah. I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song I love this song yeah. Good job boys. MWAH KIRKY. So good here.
For Whom The Bell Tolls - SMASH. Crazy to me that these songs are so long. If you want me to be COMPLETELY honest, FUCK YEAH LOVE YOU CLIFF BURTON, MAY YOU REST MY BASS GOD, BUT this song isn't as it was. This is an AMAZING song, but it hasn't been played as well as it was back in my day as a young... idk I wasn't born in the early 90's so whatever. This song is near perfect and it's amazing but I just don't think I love this one as much as the other songs on this album. Imagine that holy shit. But yeah fucking hell I love this album it's great and THIS SONG. It's so good but it's probably my least / 2nd least favourite song on this album. I LOVE this shit but it's slow and you all know slow aint my bag baby. But still MWAH INCREDIBLE love you Cliffy you bad bitch.
Interlude...?? - You're thinking like wtf there's no interlude in this album? Damn right I'm MAKING an interlude. I just ordered the Little Caesars pretzel crust pizza, I'll tell how you how it is just here. Bada bing bada boom two bird with one stone, food review album review in one. Great timing btw. Man I'm super disappointed. Nothing has changed just they put salt on the pizza.
Fade To Black - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SMASH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA COME ON BABY COME ON. YOU KNOW THIS. AAAAAAAAA THIS IS A TOP TIER S SONG. NO FUCKING QUESTION, just a little disappointed about this pizza not gonna lie but you all know this song slaps harder than an abusive ex, this shit is MWAH. THE BRIDGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. SO GOOD MWAYHMWAHMWAMHMWMHAMMWMWMMWMWAH. Yo let Kirk Hammett cook bro.
Trapped Under Ice - Fuck you Little Caesars. So upset. SMAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHH. This song is great. SUPER underrated. This a great song I fucking love it. I would prefer a song like this over anything post Death Magnetic to be honest. This song is great and fuck you if you don't think so. This song is so underrated and great fucking mwahmwahmwahmwahmwah there we go baby so good.
Escape - GO FUCK YOURSELF. I LOVE THIS SONG. SMASH. This song is great. MUCH better than what we get today cause at least I can remember it. This song is a GOOD song. This is one of the most hated Metallica songs, I fucking love it. I love this song, it's great. MWAH FUCK ALL Y'ALL. SO GOOD. This song is awesome, and this review sucks. Why are you reading this? Like this is why I don't review my favourite albums ever. This is what it devolves into.
Creeping Death - BAAAAAAAAABBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FUCKING SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is the 2nd best song on the album. This song rocks my cock let's go baby. This song is awesome. What else am I supposed to say? This is why I don't like reviewing my favourite albums ever cause I won't say anything. I already know the next song is my favourite ever, and I can't say anything more about this song cause it's the 2nd best on the album.
Interlude 2...? - That pizza sucked. It was a decent pizza, but the pretzel crust was NOT pretzel. It was REGULAR crust, with salt added on after. I'm super sad. Oh well, let's get to the greatest song on this album.
The Call of Ktulu - Smash. This is the 2nd greatest song I've ever listened to. I am going to remain calm because this song drives me fucking wild. Shoutout to Dave Mustaine who write this one. This one is perfect. It has so much depth, so much story and SO MANY words to say, all without saying anything. It's so obvious, it's the boys- Metallica trying to summon the beast from his slumber. This song is easily the best on the album in my opinion. Gold fucking tier if you ask me. Unpopular opinion but I have a big thing with this song. I ALWAYS listen to it and imagine the beast himself (C word) waking up from his eternal slumber to wreck chaos on our mortal beings. We are but ants compared to the high being. Fuck YEAH. I love this song, and it's the best on the album IMO.
Conclusion
Pretty fucking obvious. This album kicks more dick than a lesbian at an abortion protest. This album is incredible. This is why I don't like rating albums that I absolutely fucking love though- because this is what it is. SUPER boring, me not talking about the song going "Ahhhhh so GOOOOODDDD, like I'm not saying anything. I prefer to be a little critical. Anyway yeah this album is the greatest ever, what do you guys think? Master of Puppets over this? Send it in the comments, boys and girls. Mwah, love y'all.
RANK: FUCKING S BABY
What do you guys think? Am I drunk enough to think this album is better than Master of Puppets? Yell at me in the comments. Love y'all.
- Sharky
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